Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
You Might Also Like
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Boom, boom, ching!
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know