Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
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Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?