Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
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My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.