Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
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I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.