Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
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“I took care of your clown problem.”
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Tough love is true love
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.