why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
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5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Grandmother clock.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Feel. He’s so soft.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?