Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
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wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.