Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
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What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Sticker placement is key.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
LA today:
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.