Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
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Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*