Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich

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Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.



Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.


hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it


Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours


humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns


60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.


Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.


Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?


Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”


Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.