Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
You Might Also Like
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?