why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
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If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.