Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
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when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.