why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
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My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.