WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
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the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Extremely relatable.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.