Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
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I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
*pronounces woah like Noah*
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Guilty! 🤪