Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
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When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.