Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
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As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
finally found a reasonable question
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip