Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
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[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “