@Gupton68

Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.

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@007Pepe_Rex

Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.

@djdarrellripley

*At Super Bowl Party*

Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

@karanbirtinna

Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.

Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.

Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.

Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…

Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA

@gvicks

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

@neiltyson

If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.

@mjkspeaks

Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

@Just__J0

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.

@brianbowman73

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

@TheBoydP

*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?