Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
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Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
This is my favorite one of these!
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.