@JillianKarger GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
@AnitaHelmet Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
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@JillianKarger 
@WineMummy When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
@tastefactory Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
@EliBraden 71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
@jimmytorosian Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
@audipenny Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
@AllanForsyth Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
@maughammom Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
@glenyrd Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
@jctwritesstuff I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team