Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
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Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
“I FIXED IT!”
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops