Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have to go to a funeral.

Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?

Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.

Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol

I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.

Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.

I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.