Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
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It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Finally!
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!