Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
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someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.