why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
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I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.