Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
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MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Coffee is ready.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Perfect
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?