You Might Also Like
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.