Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
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When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E