Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
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Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high