Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
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[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?