Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
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It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back