why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
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Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour