why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
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My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.