why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
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Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
*orders delivery*
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life