Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
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The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Lmbo
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.