Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
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BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
My work here is done
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
This forever.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*