Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
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I feel seen.
I think this should do it.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?