Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
You Might Also Like
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL