why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
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My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?