Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
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I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.