Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
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Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser