Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
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*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Stop sending me this shit.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok