Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
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My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
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Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
“I’m not responsible for your happiness”
Me: good thing cause you’re doing a shitty job
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.