Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
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It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
some things should go without saying
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”