Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
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Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.