Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

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Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*


There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.


If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.


Me: Do your chores.

9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!

Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.

9: I didn’t know they would follow me.


a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?


Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”


Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.


“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room