@moonlightglow4

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

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@MarfSalvador

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

@Humor_Fetish

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

@benbrouckaert

If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Do your chores.

9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!

Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.

9: I didn’t know they would follow me.

@KeetPotato

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

@HomeProbably

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”

@rhysjamesy

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.

@thatdentaldude

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room