@MarfSalvador Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
@moonlightglow4 Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
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@MarfSalvador 
@Humor_Fetish There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
@benbrouckaert If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
@XplodingUnicorn Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
@KeetPotato a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
@HomeProbably Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
@SomthinBoutSara My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
@Miz_Mental_Case 30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
@rhysjamesy Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
@thatdentaldude “The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room