Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
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I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Roses are red, you always mattered,
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
british sex workers really pound for pound
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet