@savvystrider

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

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@AlexvanBeek

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

@fleshhost

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

@smells_fine

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

@Kyle_Lippert

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

@Chhapiness

wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen

@TheAlexNevil

Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.

@reczit

Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn

@UncleDuke1969

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

@ObscureGent

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.