‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
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ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom