Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
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Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer