Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

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Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that


Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.


Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?


If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife


Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool


Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe

Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent


My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.


Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now