@LurkAtHomeMom Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
@careworn Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
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@LurkAtHomeMom 
@TopherKearby We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
@TheTweetOfGod Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
@Contwixt Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
@kuusela34 If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
@justmebutnot1 Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
@Heatinblack Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
@karanbirtinna My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
@Tbone7219 Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
@YesitsAl Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now