Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
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[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
japanese corn
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
wait.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful