Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

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There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.


May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”


Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.


Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches


Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun


Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.


Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care


Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.


You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.


Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”