Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
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Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.