@Storminika

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

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@Ham_Tornado

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

@SmithWit

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”

@NeilBensch

Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.

@Kyle_Lippert

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

@PaperWash

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

@Tharin_P

Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.

@Home_Halfway

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

@WilliamAder

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

@bazecraze

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

@Reverend_Scott

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”