@BlondAmbitionTO

Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?

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@PinkCamoTO

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

@papasuncle

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

@CherBear162

Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:

Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger

@WilliamAder

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

@ericsshadow

CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters

@TheRealMelskee

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

@GonzoVice

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

@JoParkerBear

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

@UtilityLimb

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]