@PinkCamoTO 🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
@BlondAmbitionTO Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
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@PinkCamoTO 
@papasuncle When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
@OhNoSheTwitnt Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
@CherBear162 Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
@WilliamAder I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
@ericsshadow CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
@TheRealMelskee Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
@GonzoVice There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
@JoParkerBear Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
@UtilityLimb some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]