Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
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“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Investing in beetcoin
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
i love modern commerce
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
never forget
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.